Day 263

I'm not exactly sure what happened here. I mean I know i was supposed to be writing everyday, but I just couldn't handle it.  Now it's almost September and I'm going to try and play catch up.

So what's new? Well I didn't finish that diet I started in January, but I did make some progress with it, so it was not a total waste of energy.  I lost almost 20 pounds, and the loss is visible and comfortable, but I want to lose more.  I'm thinking somewhere between 10-15 pounds because why not.  Dieting was definitely a struggle.I struggled with overeating, under eating, and overexercising.  I got really self conscious when I started losing weight because my clothes didn't fit, but I also didn't feel like I was losing enough weight at the rate I wanted to go.  However I was able to stay on track from march to June to lose the weight.  After I left school I got a job at a deli and I stopped working out as much, and I started eating so much.  At the end of the summer I had probably gained about 5 of the pounds back.  I think it was easier to diet at school because I was broke all the time, and the food in our commons gets gross after the first 2 weeks of school. When I got home I couldn't stop eating, and all of my favorite restaurants were just calling my name; It was a true test, and I failed.

It's ok though, because I had a fantastic summer full of great experiences, employment, and memories.  I got to take my friends out to their first club experiences and hookah bar experiences. I worked at the wonderfully expensive whole foods.  I also had a very brief stint at target that was an absolute waste of my time.  I started running/walking the marina near my house, and it was the most mind clearing experience that I allowed myself to have.  You're able to get away, feel the wind on your face, watch the waves, and smile at the sun.  If you don't allot yourself some me-time away from others and technology and just be in nature (or man made nature like your backyard) you will go insane.

I'm back at school now going into my fourth week as a sophomore! I've decided to start getting more involved on campus because I feel more acquainted and more comfortable than I felt last year.  There's a new vibe on campus that i'm feeling.  I auditioned for a play last semester and was called back for 2 roles, and I secured an additional role last week.  I'm excited to be performing nickle and dimed! I am even more excited that the author of the book that the play is based off of, Barbara Eherenreich is coming to our school before opening weekend to talk to us about it. however I'm also very stressed because it will be my first play, and the only acting experience I have is acting like I'm interested.  I guess we'll see what comes of this.

  I'm also in Hip hop club this year, and so far it has been a lot of fun! The board comes up with the choreography and they teach it to us for an hour a week.  I hope that we can have some freestyle days or just chill days where we aren't learning choreo though.  Before I came to this school I participated in a summer program for first generation, low income, and students of color that helps get us acquainted with campus life, and that provides new students with a mentor to help make the transition a smooth one.  Well now i'm going to be a mentor for that program, and I'm so excited to help a new students.  I kind of hope they pair me with someone who is shy, so I can help them get involved in things, and because I'm shy too. I've also decided to join a wonderful Women's organization on campus that devotes their time to community service involving social justice, and women's issues.  They do things like volunteer at women's shelters, Teach youth in juvenile detention centers, and promote awareness to different issues that our campus may not be aware of.

And that is what I've been up to since I last wrote in less detail.  Maybe I'll come back to this, maybe I won't. It's hard knowing that people don't actually read this.

Lost track of the days

Just wanted to say I'm learning self control,and I'm learning to treat myself.  i don't always need it as much as I want it and it's ok to tel yourself no. 125 6/11

Day 30: The Stress Sage Continues

I just realized that I can't just look at the date to determine the title of my post after this month.  Ugh extra work.
Anyways it's been a beat since I posted so I just thought I'd come on here to say a little of how I've been feeling.  I haven't been feeling very emotionally charged lately.  I hope that my trip home in a few weeks will make me feel better because my nerves are shot.  I've been all sad and crying and that is just not me at all. I miss dancing and turning up and drinking and just having fun being young.  I'm under way to much pressure and I do not like it at all.  but yea that is what has been going on not much detail, but this is the internet and I don't want to post all my life's issues on here just yet.  Maybe someday soon though...

Day 20: I completely failed this challenge

Honestly I don't know why i thought I'd have time to do this everyday. But recent updates I've started a diet :( it sucks but hey.  I'm also going to the gym 3 times a week oooh kill em right?  My mood is all weird kinda fluctuation but i guess that's normal for me.  Haven't really had too many off days recently so that's definately good.  I'm just living life, but honestly it's not feeling super fulfilling. I really feel like i'm missing out on so much but i don't know what it is or how to get it so...

I didn't have to modify the date and time on this post!

Day 11: The final countdown

Today was the final day of train.  It was actually kind of sad.  I didn't initially want to go on this retreat because I felt like it wouldn't really have an effect on me.  But it was really helpful I learned a lot about myself and those around me and I'm really glad I went
  Tomorrow I rest!

Day 10

This was second day of the retreat and trying to get to know a few people.  The socializing aspect of life is scary and i don't like it at all, but I adapted I guess. Honestly the most important part of the day was the cross the line exercise and the share your item your proud of activity because both of those really allowed people to be honest and open up.  Of course I was hesitant because I barely trust people I know so to trust strangers is even more of a struggle for me.  But the people who shared stories were brave and beautiful and i teared up multiple times throughout the night.  It was beautiful and sad all at the same time. After all the emotions we had brownies and then went to bed.

Day 9

Ok so honestly I'm writing about days 9-11 at the same time because I had no internet so I was't able to blog, but here we go


We woke up fairly early for breakfast and a few ice breakers and one of the ice breakers was a game called huggie bear.  It was super awkward at first because you have to hug a bunch of different people you've just met, but it turned out to be super fun.  We had lunch and then we left for the camp site. The bus ride there was a little scary because buses are big and scary and feel like they will flip over at any moment in time.  But when we arrived to the pilgrim village (I believe that is what it is called) I saw how beautiful it was and it made me smile.

We walked over to our cabins and put our stuff down then headed over to the lodge that we did most of our activities in.   I wish I remember in more detail what more of the activities were, but I can't really and I don't really want to go into it, but we did a mirror exercise that challenged people to say good things about themselves and gave us to see how other people viewed themselves.  The thing about the activity was I actually didn't see myself.  I was the first person to go so I went really quickly and all i saw was an empty box. It kind of sucked, but I was able to learn something from it either way.  I learned that you shouldn't rush new things, time passes quickly, but it won't leave you behind if you don't let it.

We did some group exercise and then we had dinner which ended up being spaghetti and was surprisingly good.  I normally only eat my mom's spaghetti so I was delighted by the taste. Plus I was starving.  After dinner there was this really good skit about hate and it was so nice to hear what everyone was thinking after. and then it was shower time and bed time for me.  I don't know I guess when there's no alchy I can't hang.